Have not spent much time lately with this horse of mine – though my heart yearns for time with her often – life gets in the way – and I guess I choose to let it. The maintenance of house – office work – yard – everything! How do I slow it down? Why is there so much to fill my time that seems to need so much of my attention?
Not today. Today, I decided to let stuff maintain itself and I went to follow my heart – to Shiloh. I wanted to try a new saddle on this horse, maybe this one she would be comfortable with on her back. It was wonderful – English type tree with endurance seat. Did the usual ground work, grooming and tacking – all those necessary relational steps before the ride. I finally was on this amazing horse and it felt good. But, it didn’t take long at all before I felt – maybe it was not so good for Shiloh. She began letting me know that a buck was coming soon and that this was not an idea she agreed with. Quiet her down – and quietly I dismount.
What, girl? We just rode a week ago – or was it 3? Years of working together and we are again at this place?
Ok – I’ll get the saddle you have been used to for so long. Old sloppy saddle on and a little more lunging. A quiet mount up. Now what? An apprehensive walk, and jittery trot. Really? How many times, in all our years together, have we not been here? Again and again the “want to”, or even the “try to” seems to have to start over. Shiloh – you did not do this the last time “we” were together – remember? That time, three weeks ago, you did so much better – you were willing and trying to listen to my directions.
I know – I know – I know, our ‘we’ needs so much more time together. The ‘we’ was too long ago. The ‘we’ is not soft and smooth this time. You do not trust the ‘we’, again.
You are such high maintenance! I feel overwhelmed at how much time you demand to have good ‘we’ time.
It is our ‘we’ that is really the high maintenance. Sorry, girl – that I did not maintain our ‘we’.
Yep – I get it again. The ‘we’ of me and Jesus needs sooo much maintenance time. Too often I choose the maintenance of other things. He is waiting for me in our ‘we’.
Like Shiloh, I get a little apprehensive, a little jittery. “Jesus, I don’t have a feel of You? I can’t find the ‘we’.” Umm – when was the last ‘we’ again? A few days ago? I don’t recall – let me check my journal. Oh no – how can we be ‘we’ when it has been that long?
He waits. He knows I need high maintenance. He actually made me high maintenance – because He so enjoys the ‘we’.
Shiloh – you were made a high maintenance horse – so I could feel the longing of the ‘we’ with my Jesus.
It’s a good thing to be high maintenance – so we can be WE.
The horses were in the paddocks, sharing their tails to help with the flies on each bothered face. I walked to the fence just to watch – to observe their beauty and enjoy the feel of their presence.
My “little” girl, Destiny, came right up – nose to my face – to smell – to touch – to be. She loves the time together – just me rubbing her face – allowing me to scratch all those places she cannot reach. Then her mama comes and enjoys the attention time, too. Beniah – he knows me a little but being an in-charge type of horse he had to check me out. He too enjoyed the smelling of my face – the massaging of my hands.
But not my Shiloh – my eye would catch her watching – was she wondering if it was worth the try? It would feel good to be cared for – but did the risk seem too high? Would she dare to think of enjoying something that could be enjoyed? She would need to let her guard down to get to the enjoyment. I do not know what goes on in that untouchable head of hers – but I do know I so want her to enjoy just being with me and letting me enjoy her.
And again – I hear the heart of my Father saying “I know how you feel”. “I long for that always with you.”
And again – I am reminded that a horse can reflect the one who trains them, who cares for them, who wants their time together to be enjoyed by both.
I smile as I watch her watching and thank Jesus for the insight of His invitation to me again – to just enjoy our time. I long to let go of whatever holds me back from all He has for me to enjoy.
Do I dare look up? Really? She is moving toward the fence – meandering in my direction. She hesitates about 4 feet away – I would have to reach to touch and I know that reach would push her away. I just relax and hold my arm out to the side. I am inviting. She can choose to accept the touch – the smelling – the enjoying.
I wait. Hardly daring to breathe. I wait and hope. There was a little try to turn the head – but quickly she pulls it back from affection. Guarded. She was struggling with letting go and just enjoying the together. Yea girl – I so understand.
Then another turn of the full neck and the head and the touch – the smell. I do not push into the touch but I so want to. I got the ‘try’ from her. I smile and enjoy her attempt to enjoy.
That’s all I ask of her – today that is all the “try” she can give. Even with many years together, small try-steps are huge in my heart for her.
And again I feel Jesus say – “I agree”.
And I smile – enjoying His enjoying of me trying.
Roxanne Van Riessen