How can you be struggling with emotions that are sooo opposite and tear at your heart going different directions? The push and the draw at the same time . . .
He is drawing me – to a deeper place of loving Him – to a place of keeping Him, my God, higher – to a trusting place. He is tearing away that thing that is too high in my heart. He was answering a prayer – a prayer I thought would be a wonderful journey of having Him highest in my heart. Not knowing the tearing would need to be a part. I was in the RoundPen with my Father and He was pushing me away from that too-high thing and drawing me into Him as I walked the pasture, desperately needing to explore this turmoil of mixed feelings.
Destiny was created to be a leader – someday. Still in training under the authority of another mare. She was given an amazing leader to learn from – Shiloh is gentle with those needing security and strong with those needing better boundaries. Destiny continually tries pushing this lead mare, but is again and again pushed by Shiloh – only to draw her back into the herd under Shiloh’s leadership. In horse language and prey herd dynamics the lead horse will push those under her to establish her role. Those under her will challenge that pushing – displayed in body bend, high-headedness, backend turned in towards leader, tail sticking out. Destiny can show submission to that leadership in only one part of her body, but as a good leader, Shiloh will recognize those parts that are not yielded – not whole-hearted. Destiny HOPEs that Shiloh WILL catch all those places of not submitting and be pushed by Shiloh consistently and with confidence and strength until all of Destiny is yielded to her leadership. Then, and only then, will Destiny fully submit because she can now fully trust Shiloh to guide and protect all of her.
And now it was our time. I am the one pushing. I am the one drawing. Destiny was beautiful as she trotted around high-headed. But in leadership I will push her forward – away from her high-headed thoughts – into the quiet draw of following with her whole-heart.
Taking her away from her herd was the first step. Into the RoundPen together – the relational work begins. Meeting Destiny’s every leadership challenge with my soft request of the draw. When my draw was ignored I give a little push – a push to lead forward – away from her high-headedness. When Destiny’s backend turned a challenge towards me in her “I don’t think so” language, my whip would gently twirl in “I saw that challenge and – I know so” response. I knew what was best for her to settle. I wanted to draw her into the trusting of my leadership. I quietly and consistently pushed her to this place of trusting – knowing that this place would help her be ok with all of life. But also knowing – she would challenge me often in this place. So I stay ready to push to draw into trust.
And … here I am. He is pushing me to go forward. Forward away from my high-headed thoughts. Forward with my heart tearing. Drawing me into His heart. No one to soothe the ache – except the One drawing my whole heart.
In the RoundPen with my Jesus. Experiencing His soft, strong, consistent push into His draw of trust. I have been given an amazing Leader – pushing my whole heart.
Now – when I go into the round pen with my horses – it will be with a deeper understanding of their struggle. As they challenge the push. As they find trust in the draw.